Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
